Oh the people you’ll meet…
Oh the people you’ll meet … inside your own head. Well, maybe not people, but parts of your psyche. Let's talk about the idea of multiplicity of the mind and how this is a normal phenomenon that we all experience.
Many of us have been taught to believe that we are a single mind, separate from others — a solid and individual “I.” There are many stereotypes about people who present otherwise, such as those with multiple personality disorder. TV shows often depict this disorder in ways that scare us into clinging to a singular self. Unfortunately, it's not that simple, and the failures of our current mental health system reflect this complexity. People are giving up on genuinely feeling better and turning to Band-aid solutions like long-term medication. All for what? To numb the pain in a way that doesn’t really work, suffering through existence until we die? It's time to look at ourselves through a different lens and find genuine healing.
Introducing Internal Family Systems, an evidence-based modality practiced for over 40 years. Developed by Richard C. Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS conceptualizes the mind as naturally composed of multiple sub-personalities or “parts,” each with its own distinct perspectives, memories and motivations. These parts can either work together harmoniously or be in conflict, potentially leading to psychological distress.
In IFS, the mind is divided into various parts, typically categorized into three main types: exiles, managers and firefighters. Exiles hold painful emotions and memories, often pushed away or suppressed because they feel overwhelming. Managers try to maintain control and protect the individual from experiencing the pain held by the exiles by controlling behavior, emotions, and relationships. Firefighters react when the pain of the exiles breaks through, often engaging in impulsive or extreme behaviors to numb or distract from the pain.
Central to IFS is the concept of the self, considered the true essence of a person. The self is naturally calm, curious, compassionate, and confident, distinct from the parts. Healing in IFS involves the self taking on a leadership role, guiding the parts toward harmony and balance. A key process in IFS therapy is unburdening, which involves identifying and acknowledging the parts, understanding their roles and helping them release the extreme roles or negative beliefs they've taken on. This process allows the parts to function in a healthier, more adaptive way.
IFS does not pathologize the parts or view them as bad, but instead sees all parts as having positive intentions, even if their actions are maladaptive. This non-judgmental approach fosters a sense of safety and respect in the therapeutic process. The goal of IFS therapy is to integrate these parts so they can work together harmoniously, leading to a greater sense of internal balance, well-being and overall mental health.
IFS is widely used to treat a range of issues, including trauma, depression, anxiety and relationship problems, emphasizing self-compassion, understanding and healing from within. For example, I have a part of me that thinks about suicide. This part would be considered a firefighter. It developed when I was a teenager and stuck in my family’s abusive household. I remember the suffocating feelings of being trapped, feeling absolutely and completely powerless to the chaos around me. As children, we cannot change our environmental circumstances or our parents. For myself and many of my clients, suicidal parts often arise when we feel there is nothing else we can do to stop the pain of our circumstances from hurting us. They arise to protect us but are misguided and misinformed, often as young as we are when they first appear.
It is a paradigm shift to approach people who struggle with suicidal thoughts as having parts of them that want this rather than the whole of them. When we see the desire as coming from a part, we can begin to separate out the self — the true essence of the person. In IFS work, ideally, you work from your grounded self and get to know the parts of you that are struggling and in need of guidance and support.
In my case, I hadn't felt the presence of my suicidal part in over a decade until something traumatic happened recently and sent me back to feeling helpless and out of control. This presented me with the opportunity to work with this part from a place of compassion. When we support our most intense parts, they begin to settle, learning that they do not have to take on such extreme roles to make us feel protected. These parts learn that there is something much deeper than them that will support our beings — the self. Imagine the healthiest parent-child relationship. These parts begin to settle into us and eventually shift in how they show up. Over time, the part that thinks about suicide within me has begun to relax, trusting that no matter what happens or how challenging life becomes, I am safe, and I will never abandon my system. My parts will never be without my self. When we know, deep down, that we will always be supported by our self, suicidal and other maladaptive protective parts can integrate into a healthier role.
So, I encourage you to question the idea of “I” as a singular mind. Spend some time listening inside your being and think about whether there may be some parts in there that are waiting to meet you, your deepest, truest self.
