Am I worthy of love?
Am I worthy of love?
If you had asked me this question four months ago, I would have vehemently defended the answer as “yes.” But recently, something in my marriage has confronted me with this question in a way I hadn’t anticipated. As it has forced its way into my consciousness, I find myself grappling with the fear that the truth might be that I don’t think so.
If you missed my last column, let me introduce myself. I’m new here, hoping to bring vulnerability, self-discovery and healing into the narrative of this town. So let’s dive in, shall we?
I want to explore how frequently I see people grappling with this question in my clinical practice, and how our culture often undermines our belief in our own worthiness. From the outset, I want to state that if we do not believe ourselves to be worthy of love, it is most likely a reflection of our inability to love ourselves. If we are walking around with a lack of self-love, it becomes nearly impossible to offer genuine love to others.
In my practice, I talk with people every day — some who appear outwardly successful and others who are more obviously struggling. A common thread among them, often unspoken at first, is that they do not feel worthy of love and do not love themselves. This lack of internal love can manifest in various ways, including workaholism, substance abuse, eating disorders, people-pleasing and anxiety. Please know that while I am writing from this perspective, these behaviors can manifest for a variety of reasons.
To be more specific, a person who constantly seeks validation through work and achievements may be driven by the belief that they are only worthy of love and acceptance if they succeed in these areas. Similarly, those who struggle with substance abuse often identify with the wound of not being worthy of love or failing to love themselves, using drugs or alcohol as an escape from these painful thoughts. In general, the anxiety that fuels these behaviors stems from a deep-seated fear of unworthiness and a constant struggle to find relief.
What I am beginning to understand through my own journey and through helping others is that loving ourselves and believing we are worthy of love is not a one-time realization but a continual practice. If we imagine self-love as a garden, it requires constant weeding, watering and nurturing. Just as a garden needs care to thrive, so does our inner sense of worthiness. Sometimes we avoid this question or try to evade its discomfort by seeking validation through substances, relationships, money or appearance, hoping that these things might provide the love we are seeking.
But what if being worthy of love were simply about learning to show ourselves love? Did you know that we must first give love to ourselves? I did not always understand this, and I am still learning how to do it. What I have observed in my personal and professional experiences is that we have forgotten how to love ourselves. We have lost the art of self-love and have stopped nurturing this essential relationship.
As humans, we often focus on protecting ourselves and seeking acceptance from those around us. However, when we neglect to nurture ourselves, we miss out on the profound benefits that self-love can bring. By connecting from a place of knowing our own worthiness, we create a foundation for a fulfilling and expansive life.
So perhaps it is worth asking yourself: “Am I worthy of love? Do I love myself enough to show myself that worth?” Sit with this question and observe your reactions. Do you rush to answer yes? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel anger toward me or yourself?
I hope the answer is yes for you, but if it is not, perhaps it is the beginning of the most beautiful relationship you will ever have — the one with yourself.
- Sophia Green, MSW is a clinical therapist and psychedelic guide. You can reach her at sophia@healwithself.com.
